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Saturday, 11 February 2012


It was a cloudy Friday morning. The chirping of birds broke the silence of the morning .I woke up early along with my husband. It supposed to be the special day for our daughter, Cathy. Her birthday arrived, but my husband and I had to go to a graveyard instead, where she waited there for the rest of our life. I knelt down with my hand gently rub a tombstone. Wind blowing softly, as it brought along sorrowful feeling filled my chest. Wordlessly, my heart wrecked when all the memory from the past started to flood my mind.
                Cathy lived normally like the other children. She loved to play, ran around, built sandcastles, and always looking for me to hug with. She was a beautiful and adorable kid. But something I realized about her and it got clearer every day. I was tried not to think about it, but I cannot denied the fact that she got weaker, her step got slower, and she easily got tired in the halfway. She always loved to play around, but then, it seemed like she struggled so hard to do her routine activity. One day, while she running, she was suddenly skipped her step and fell down to the ground. Without letting any moment, I ran towards, and grabbed her faint body. Her face was pale bloodlessly. I felt like all the worries which kept burdening me all this while, collapsed at once became a reality. My husband and I sent her to the hospital. Worst possibilities kept playing in our mind, but we tried to think positively. Emergency light turned off and a doctor came out with a guilty face. From the expression, I knew something terrible must have happened to Cathy. My heart stop beating and my vision gone black out when knowing that my daughter, had brain cancer and had only 3 months to live. I had fainted.
                Knowing about the cancer was the worst thing had I ever faced. I felt like my heart was smashed on a dry stone. Cathy and I were so closed. When I feel down, she had delighted me. Five years my husband and I lived without child, Cathy then came into our life filled the emptiness. She cherished our dull marriage. She made me felt like breath again. When she was about to leave me, I felt like the God being injustice to me. I felt very sad, felt lonely already although Cathy was still living. I really cannot accept the fact that Cathy was moving away from me when I needed her for longer period. I needed her so much. That was when I made the biggest mistake in my life, when I started to isolate myself, did anything to make me busy, so that I can kept myself away from my daughter. I thought that was the only way to make me less sad about her leaving me. But I didn’t realized that the thing I was doing will haunting me after her death for the rest of my life. I sank into my foolishness.   
                “Knock, knock, knock,” the door of my room have been knocked by someone. From the weak sound of it, I knew that was my daughter standing behind the door. I was just ignoring it, deafening my ear. “Mom, are you in there? Father served us dinner, let’s eat together, I want to share plate with you like we always did before,” weak voice of Cathy was calling me. Tears dropped from my eyes after hearing those words from Cathy. I remembered how we used to share our food. She used to be very happy every time I fed her foods from my plate. But I strengthen myself not to respond as she continued knocking and calling. Not for long, I chose to hurt her feeling by answering, “stop calling me! I’m busy in here, just have your dinner!” I yelled. “Ok mom, I’m sorry,” she replied with a mixed voice. She was even too weak to cry. As I said those words, tears burst from my eyes.
                The same things happened on the following days. She kept finding me and I kept avoiding her. For me, there’s no point to be happy if I knew it was not for so long. I knew finally, I will drown into sadness. My husband always tried to understand, but he also reminded me how wrong I was reacted. I just gave up and let him manage her welfare. Those things dreaded for two months. For Cathy, the last thirty days of her life was the toughest. She could barely speak, her eyes could barely open. That period was when she needed me for the most. It was tough for me too. I just lock myself in my room while counting down the last thirty days. The truth was, my behaviour hurts Cathy a lot. I made her emotionally tensed. For god sake, she was only eight, having brain cancer that really sensitive to emotional change. I exposed her into an unhealthy environment. I thought she was still having her thirty days, but on that night, my husband knocked the door so hardly, he yelled with panic voice; “ honey, Cathy’s condition going wrong! She keeps skipping her breath! For the love of God, please come out before too late!” On that moment, I realised about what I have done for the past two months. I dug my own grave, all those mistakes stroke at once. I felt like thousands needles prickled on my heart. The rain was not drip but poured. “Cathy!!” I yelled out aloud. I tried to catch her last breath, but all were too late for me. Cathy was gone permanently.
                I looked down to Cathy’s calm face. I stared at every lines and curves on her face. I could saw she suffered a lot from brain cancer. I had supposed to reduce her suffering, but instead I doubled it. I felt very sinful and guilty upon her. I cannot stop crying. Slowly, my husband handed a little box to me. “Cathy asked me favour to give this box to you. That was her last wish. You might want to know it’s content.” He whispered. I locked myself alone in the room with Cathy’s dead body by my side. Slowly, I opened the box. It contained a lot of candy wrappers with a pink note above it. Cathy wrote the note, she said:                                 
“Dear beloved mom,
                Do you still remember all these candies? You were always bought my favourite candy when returning from work every day. Every time I finished eating a candy, I will kissed its wrapper and keep it in this box. So that, one day when you opened this box, you will receive thousands of kisses from me. Father made me understand the reason you kept away yourself from me. I knew it all along that you never hate me. Mom, I love you so much and thanks for giving me such a great time. Please make a place for me in your memory so that I can accompany you forever.
*Life is precious, live it and never lose fight, I will miss you for a lifetime.
                                                                                                                                                Love, Cathy”.
After reading the last words from Cathy, I cried for her name aloud, so did with my heart. I hugged her dead body and kissed her face many times. My soul filled with useless regrets. But I knew I have to let her go and move on with my life as she wanted me to be. I will never lose fight.
                When I realized, I was still holding the tombstone. I wiped my tears and cleaned the grave. I looked up to the sky, I could saw her smile. The clouds moved on as the sky got bright again. So do with my life. All in all, I will never forget those days and I promise myself to be a better mother. 

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